Nurturing Competition

I am a fiercely competitive person. I enjoy racing triathlons and each race I run, I want to do better than I did the race before. (Although as I get older, I more frequently want to simply finish rather than PR!) But competition or “being competitive” is sometimes given a bad rap. The phrase “she’s so competitive” is not always seen as a compliment, yet we want our kids to strive to do their very best at whatever they attempt. How do we raise kids who value a W on the score board without using it as a way to put down the “Ls”?  How do we raise kids who view a loss as part of the growing process and not as a devastating tragedy?

Here are three ideas that can help to foster emotionally healthy competition.

• Avoid comparisons

One of the best ways to raise a “good sport” is to avoid comparing your child to other children. (Remember, this also means avoiding comparing yourself to other moms or dads! Kids are always listening.) When we make comparisons we pass down a judgment whether we mean to or not. For example, “You run so much faster than everyone in your class!” or “Don’t worry about the multiplication test. You are on your 7s and the most of the rest of the class is on their 4s!” We often make comments like this to encourage our children, however, it gives them the message that they must continue to achieve above and beyond the other kids for us to be proud of them.

Instead of focusing on the accomplishments or failures of others, focus on what your child has been doing to improve their own game. If they had 8 assists last game, ask them what they were looking for and how they found their open man. If they were playing defense and had a steal or an interception or stopped a corner kick, ask them about how they were reading the offense. “What did you have your eye on? What did you notice that allowed you to make that play?” Then talk about the character traits that go along with their answer. “You were patient and made the pass at just the time you needed to.” “You showed such determination and kept hustling down the court every single time there was a turn over. You showed your teammates they could count on you to not give up.” “Even when you were losing by 14 points, I saw you encouraging your quarterback. That shows your heart of kindness and friendship, and I love that about you.”

When we focus more on developing character traits than the outcome of the game (or comparisons with other players) our children begin to look at how they are accomplishing things rather than being distracted by the W or L on the scoreboard.

• Learn to hold big emotions

Games come with big emotions. Whether it’s a game of Connect 4 or the championship football game, the feeling of winning is much more pleasant than the feeling of losing. However, when we protect our children from the unpleasant feelings of losing, (by not keeping score at a game or by giving everyone “participation” trophies) we are not assisting them in learning how to tolerate distress.

Rather than avoiding unpleasant emotions, make it a family practice to talk about feelings as often as possible. Normalize the fact that losing a game feels really awful. Sometimes just saying the words, “It makes sense to be upset, it’s hard to lose” can help. (Whatever you do, avoid saying, “It doesn’t matter; it’s just a game!”) Let them know that losing is one of those things in life that hurts really badly, and as a parent you are here to help them hold the discomfort until it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

Discuss some of the things they can do when the sad, losing feeling is so strong—like doing a few jumping jacks, taking a walk around the block or a jog around the field, getting a drink of cold water, coming over to mom and dad for a hug, crying together with their teammates. Share with them that after a while, just like the waves in the ocean, the hurt feelings will go down a little and new and different feelings will take their place.

• Practice talk-throughs

It can also be helpful to do a “talk through” before a big game. A talk-through helps your child prepare emotionally for upcoming events and varying outcomes. For example, ask your child, “What will you do if you win?” and then have them walk you through the steps of winning. They might say, “First I’ll feel really excited and dog pile my team. Then I’ll high-five the other team and say ‘Good game.’ Then I’ll come find you and dad and get a hug. Then I’ll ask if we can go to In-N-Out!” This “pre-game” experience helps them have an emotional map already “virtually” explored. Then the same question can be asked, “What will you do if you lose?” (i.e. feel really sad, high-five the other team and say “Congratulations,” come hug mom and dad and cry a little if I need to, and then ask if we can go to In-N-Out.) When they realize that both scenarios can end the same way, you can remind them that the wonderful feeling of winning lasts just a while, and the sad feeling of losing lasts just a while, but the feeling of having a family who loves you and cares for you whether you win or lose is something that lasts forever.

Raising kids who want to be their best selves on and off the field is a valiant goal. I challenge you to go for the win!